Heterosexual with homosexual attachments

or, "what I did over summer vacation"

I am both happy and grateful that Ted Haggard, the evangelical leader of the New Life Church leader who eventually admitted to sexual immorality with a male escort, and to buying drugs from the same male escort has been rehabilitated. I would not want to have walked in his shoes over the past two and a quarter years. He resigned from his church after a voice mail with his voice asking the male escort for drugs was made public, and eventually, the church he had helped to found banished him not only from it, but also from their community—but not before requiring Haggard to undergo three weeks of intensive therapy supervised by four ministers, after which one of the ministers pronounced him “completely heterosexual.” (By the way, what does “completely heterosexual” even mean?)

Ted had confessed to his wife early in their marriage that he had homosexual feelings. One of his therapists (during the more long-term therapy he underwent following the scandal) described him as a “heterosexual with homosexual attachments.” And Ted stated that, while he still feels a sexual attraction to men, he no longer feels compelled to act on it.

One of the good things his very public struggle brought about is that sexuality is not always so clearly delineated—so “black and white.” Sexuality is far more complex than hetero-, homo-, bi-, metro- and a-. I suspect this has been the case since the beginning of time.

On some level, I admire that his wife, Gayle, chose to stay with him and try to work things out between them. Oftentimes, when a spouse or partner goes through some trying experience from which it seems a couple might never recover, they divorce or split up. Even Haggard’s children focused on trying to remain a family as they watched their father’s anguish. I expect redemption has new meaning for him now.

Oprah Winfrey had Haggard on her show on the day before a documentary about Haggard and his family trying to rebuild their lives after the scandal was to be shown on HBO. Oprah was both trying to understand his rehabilitation, and, at the same time—not exactly having him, or perhaps—his story.

The only thing that is difficult for me with his story is the “sound-byte-friendly” resolution, or the “spin” that Christians can put on an event when it suits them. Haggard asserts that, at his lowest moment of his life—as he was considering suicide, God came to him and said, “Now I can save you.” But save him from what? From committing suicide? From himself? From his scandal? From being hypocritical when denying it? From being heterosexual with homosexual attachments? All of the above?

I don’t know that I would pronounce myself “completely homosexual, ” though some of my friends might. I don’t think any of us is completely anything, other than a human being. But where I differ with Haggard and I side more with Oprah is that I believe that God—rather than save us from “ourselves” creates us in His/Her image, and all of who we are is good enough for God from the very beginning. I’m going to say that one more time: I believe that God—rather than save us from “ourselves” creates us in His/Her image, and all of who we are is good enough for God from the very beginning. Many, many churches prey on our vulnerability and instill in us a belief that we are born into “sin” and we’re going to eventually make a mess of—if not everything, a lot of it. If we buy into this, well—it helps keep many a church filled across the world. The God of the King James/Southern Baptist Church on my childhood in the late fifties was a vengeful God. Eventually God was gonna “whoop our asses but good!” But tonight, while watching a tennis match, I heard from the broadcasters that Serena Williams was helping to start a school in Kenya. This is an African-American athlete who grew up in the projects of Compton, California. She, who undoubtedly has struggled a lot of her life, thanks her God, Jehovah, after every opportunity and is using her position as a celebrity to help bring education to some less-fortunate African children in Kenya. That’s a shining example of the God I envision: a God of grace who breathes life into each of us with the wish of, “Okay, let’s see what you can do. Let’s see how many lives you can bless on your journey as you maximize the potential inside you. Ready, set—bless!”

When I say the following sentence, it’s not that I mean that Ted Haggard bears no responsibility for his actions, for clearly, he does—and he got consequences in spades. But, as a human being, Haggard, like so many (-sexual) others before and after him, was doing the best he could before and after the events that created the scandal. He was a vivid demonstration of what happens to a person when he can’t bring all of whom he is to the table. And I believe that, when God gave the life of His only Son for us—that’s when we were saved—that act of largesse, of supreme sacrifice was so that we can learn from it—and then, do better. Be better.

I suppose, if I had to choose a label for myself, it would be “homosexual with homosexual attachments.” But, hey--who chose the attachments?